Title Office Antics, Episode 3 Bonus
Word Count 3,005
Pairings Baekyeol, Kaisoo
Summary [office!au] Twelve guys and one software startup. Baekhyun’s that new guy, Chanyeol's the guy who falls for the new guy, Kyungsoo has pedo problems, Junmyeon's the oblivious CEO, Kris is the cutthroat CFO, Yixing’s out to get more vacation time, Tao’s a receptionist (sorta), Minseok is a closeted romantic, Jongin’s the intern that actually does stuff, Sehun’s the intern that doesn’t, and Luhan and Jongdae just like messing around.
“What Sehun,” Luhan sighs without turning around, eyes focused on a diagram.
“Hey Luhan, turn around.”
“Maybe in a second.”
Luhan hears a click and feels something small and light hit his back. He instinctively reaches a hand around to touch the spot, fingers feeling the fabric of his cashmere sweater—it’s still smooth—and hears Sehun laugh behind him.
“I said in a second.”
Luhan hears the click again and feels another light prick.
Sehun nags again “Look.”
Luhan doesn’t even bother responding. He hears the click, feels the prick, and reaches his hand the touch the spot again. But this time he feels a snagged thread that was definitely not there a second ago, and less-than-amused Luhan whips around to find Sehun lounging in his chair, pointing an unhinged stapler at Luhan.
“What the fuck,” Luhan blinks.
“It’s a staple gun,” Sehun stifles a giggle.
Luhan blinks and shakes his head, “I’m seriously starting to believe you’re mentally 12.”
“I’m bored,” Sehun shrugs and jiggles the stapler.
Luhan winces, “Dude watch out.”
“It’s won’t hurt you. See,” Sehun tightens his grip on the top and with a click a staple flies towards Luhan.
“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Luhan watches the staple bounce off his knee. “You’re going to shoot yourself in the finger.”
“No I won’t,” Sehun shoots another staple at Luhan, and it bounces off his chest.
“If something happens, I’m not going to care,” Luhan warns.
“Whatever,” Sehun scoffs and aims the stapler at the wall. “I’m 17. I’m smart enough not to hit myself.”
“Hey Luhan,” Kyungsoo walks over to Luhan's desk. “Do you have the proposal?”
“Yeah, here,” Luhan gestures to his computer. “It’ll be out in a second.”
Just as Luhan turns back to his computer he hears a ping, a muffled yelp, and a thud.
There’s a low moan, “Shiiiiiiiiii.”
“What is that?” Kyungsoo frowns.
“Ignore it,” Luhan types and hits enter.
“That sounds like Sehun,” Kyungsoo looks at Luhan.
“It is,” Luhan clicks his tongue with a tiny sigh and hits the print button.
“Should I check on him?”
“Not yet,” Luhan opens a drawer. Without turning around, he calls out to Sehun, “I only have Hello Kitty bandaids, is that okay?”
“That’s fine,” Sehun moans, voice muffled by carpet. “Shiiiiii.”
Luhan pops open the box and picks out a particularly bright pink one, nudging the drawer closed with his knee. He then takes Kyungsoo’s right hand in both of his, gives it a shake and wryly smiles, “I really think this is more of your forte.”
Then Luhan lets go of Kyungsoo hand, slipping the bandaid into Kyungsoo’s palm. He spins around and steps over Sehun, who is curled up on the ground and cradling his finger, stapler abandoned a foot away. Kyungsoo lets out a tiny gasp and scuttles to Sehun, instantly dropping to his knees to examine Sehun. Luhan glances down at the staple embedded in his mentee’s finger before Kyungsoo removes it with a flick of his wrist.
“Seventeen, you said,” Luhan says to Sehun dryly.
“Not right now,” Sehun moans, banging his fist against the carpet as Kyungsoo applies disinfectant.
“Smart enough not to shoot yourself in the finger, you said,” Luhan shakes his head.
Sehun rolls his head on the floor as Kyungsoo bandages his finger.
“No let's back up even more. 'I’m smart,' you said.”
“Guuuh,” Sehun groans.
“Careful,” Luhan looks at Kyungsoo before he wanders down the hall. “You might catch the stupid, I hear it’s contagious.”
“Hey Luhan,” Sehun giggles.
“Hey Luhan, turn around.”
“Is the pink on that band-aid not bright enough to sear regret into your memory,” Luhan hits his forehead on the desk. “It hasn’t even been half an hour.”
“It’s not another stapler. Turn around, it’s funny.”
“Turning around is still the last thing I want to do,” Luhan mumbles.
“Fine you don’t have to, I can just read them out to you,” Sehun snorts.
“Fifty friendly euphemisms for penis.”
“No," Luhan gags. "I do not share your tweeny sense of humor.”
“Stop, don’t you have work to do?”
“I just ate lunch Sehun.”
“Man up, Luhan. Rod of life.”
“You wanted me to turn around right?”
“You don’t have to now, I’m bringing these to you,” Sehun sniggers. “DNA rifle.”
“Because I will turn around if you keep going.”
“Cool," Sehun grunts. "Master dangle.”
“I will turn around and hurl.”
“Ew. Sin snake.”
“I will hurl all over your side of the office. And I will not care.”
“That’s nice. Temptation wand.”
“You will have to clean it up.”
“Haha, listen to this one: Musky man candy.”
“Are you even listening to me?” Luhan pinches his nose bridge. “And the fuck was the last one.”
“Nope, not listening. And this next one’s even better: Meat banana.”
Luhan groans and buries his head in his arms.
“Hey Luhan, this one probably describes yours: tadpole torpedo.”
“Do not rise to the bait,” Luhan mutters to himself. “Do not rise to the bait.”
“Or maybe tiny tadpole torpedo, that’s probably more accurate.”
“I’m not even going to ask why you’re thinking about my genitals.”
“How about tremendously tiny tadpole torpedo.”
“Okay that’s it, it’s time to go back to work” Luhan spins around and glares at Sehun. “Put your dick-”
Yixing walks past at that moment, pen in mouth, and stops abruptly. He raises an eyebrow, “Am I interrupting something?”
“No, wait, you caught me at a bad time.” Luhan waves both hands defensively. “I was going to say, ‘put your dick euphemisms away.”
Yixing regards Luhan with an unsympathetic expression before turning his head in the direction of Jongdae’s cubicle, “Would you like to have the honor, Jongdae?”
“Absolutely Yixing. Its okay, just be yourself Luhan,” Jongdae slowly rises out of his seat, lips pulled into a grin, “We’re all fucking unique snowflakes.”
Luhan shoots Jongdae a dirty look.
“You’re free at last,” Jongdae throws his hands in the air.
As Yixing gives Jongdae a nod of approval, Luhan feels like screaming.
“Shut up Sehun.”
“Hey Luhan, look.”
“No,” Luhan shoots Sehun down.
“I actually have something you might be interested in.”
Luhan slowly turns around to see Sehun grinning, an iPhone clutched in his hand.
“Go on,” Luhan slowly grins.
“With Kyungsoo’s number,” Sehun taps the screen, opening the texting application.
“Go on,” Luhan’s grin grows wider.
“With the text message...if I was sin^2 and you were cos^2, together we would be 1,” Sehun types, flicking send when he’s done.
Luhan snickers, glancing at Sehun, “Hey, you’re learning.”
“Learning nothing,” Sehun snorts. “This one was all me.”
“Hey Jongin,” Sehun calls across the aisle. “I have your phone.”
“You do?” Jongin pats his jeans. “That’s weird, because I have it here in my pocket.”
“What?” Sehun looks at the phone.
Suddenly Luhan gets a bad feeling and looks down at his own jeans, blood running cold as he stares at his two empty pockets. He scrambles, checking behind the corners of his desk, opening drawers, and rifling through his bag.
“Hey Luhan,” Kyungsoo’s voice flits to Luhan’s ears, nervous and light, and the hairs on the back of Luhan’s neck rise.
Luhan turns slowly, and opens his eyes to the view of an abashed Kyungsoo, phone lying in hand.
“I just got your text,” Kyungsoo toes the carpet. “And I’m...I’m flattered, but you already know I have someone else on my mind...”
Luhan takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose, barely catching the rest Kyungsoo’s flustered chatter over internal screaming echoing in his head.
One day, he’ll kill Sehun. One day.
a friendly areumdaun warning: could be interpreted as nc-17. it could be.
“Hey good work today,” Kris punches Chanyeol’s arm as the elevator doors slide open. “Got everything wrapped up before lunch. I knew you were good for something.”
“Hey,” Chanyeol rubs his arm. “I’m not just ‘good,’ I’m fucking awesome.”
“Whatever,” Kris rolls his eyes as he holds the door open for Chanyeol, turning for a brief second to nod at Tao. “But seriously, how did you get her to fold so quickly?”
“Did you even look around her office?” Chanyeol starts the loosen his tie, hooking an index finger on the knot and sliding it down the narrow end of the tie. “First meetings are all about FORD. Ask them about family, occupation, recreation, or dreams—it’s sales 101. Fastest way to get them comfortable. When her walls are plastered with pictures of her son who happens to be the same age as us, then, well, it was pretty obvious to me how to get her to like us.”
“Still, you barely finished explaining the benefits before she asked to see the contract,” Kris stops at his office, hand on doorknob.
“What can I say, I’m like a fucking magical sales fairy.” Chanyeol slips his tie over his head and carelessly tosses his jacket into his office. He turns around and starts to walk backwards, past his office and away from Kris, swinging his tie around his index finger and shoving his other hand into his pocket, “Also, there was another...appointment that I scheduled, so if you’ll excuse me, I will be attending to that right now.”
Kris blinks, a little more than dumbfounded, as he watches Chanyeol swagger backwards down the hall.
“Hey, I think I can empathize with you now Junmyeon,” Kris remarks as he watches Chanyeol walk into the window at the end of the hallway, panes shaking from the impact.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Junmyeon looks up from his desk.
“Like how it feels to be dismissed,” Kris says, observing Chanyeol as he embarrassedly rubs his head and knocks on Baekhyun’s door. By the third knock the door opens a crack, and Kris’ eyes narrow as Chanyeol slides inside, slips his tie over the door handle, and snaps the door shut.
“Thanks,” Junmyeon nods then frowns. “No wait...”
“Did Chanyeol...” Kris ignores Junmyeon and points towards Baekhyun’s office. “Did he just slip his tie over Baekhyun’s doorknob and shut the door?”
Junmyeon climbs out of his chair and sticks his head into the hallway. He squints and cranes his neck forward, “Hmm, I think so. Yup, there is a tie over that doorknob. And that door is closed. Why?”
“Holy fuck I didn’t think Chanyeol was this fast. You couldn’t even call that thing yesterday a date, and now they’re...” Kris turns to face Junmyeon, face set in a grimace, “And we just installed new carpet.”
“So...?”” Junmyeon furrows his eyebrows, in an attempt to read Kris’ face.
Kris jerks his head in the direction of Baekhyun’s office, raising his eyebrows, “There’s a tie on his doorknob.”
Junmyeon’s expression remains confused.
“Seriously? You don’t get it?” Kris stares at Junmyeon dubiously.
Junmyeon shakes his head.
“I think,” Kris stares at the tie. ”I think...we’ve been sexiled.”
Realization dawns and Junmyeon’s face slips into a similar grimace, “Augh...what do we do? That carpet was expensive.”
Kris runs a hand through his hair before lifting his head and nobly staring down the hall, “Stop them.”
“Good luck, let me know how it goes,” Junmyeon pauses for a moment and gags. “Actually no, I don’t want to know any of the details.”
“I’ll try to make it out with my sight intact,” Kris pats the doorframe before striding down the hallway, eyes trained on Baekhyun’s door.
Suddenly he finds himself frozen, his hand ghosting over doorknob and eyes locked on Chanyeol’s innocent sapphire tie roped around the handle. He folds his fingers over the handle, takes a deep breath and—retracts them, whipping his head around to face Junmyeon.
I can’t do this, Kris mouths.
“The carpet,” Junmyeon loudly whispers. “Do it for the carpet.”
Kris bites his lip and reaches for the doorknob again. Just as his fingers tap the handle, Baekhyun’s voice floats through the door.
“I don’t know Chanyeol, I’ve never gone this far before.”
Kris pales as he hears rustling, and Chanyeol’s voice, as smooth as silk (where the hell did this confidence come from), “We can do this, trust me.”
“We’ve already done a lot today, I’m kind of tired,” Baekhyun mutters.
Kris looks down the hallway and sees Junmyeon motioning for him to turn the doorknob. He looks back down at his hand.
“We’ll go slow,” Chanyeol’s voice drops another octave. “Just the tip.”
“...okay,” Baekhyun mutters. “But if I say to stop, then you’ll stop.”
Kris can feel the bile start to rise and he looks down the hallway again, mouthing frantically, help me, I can’t fucking do it.
Junmyeon shakes his head disdainfully (a first, Kris notes), and walks purposefully down the hallway. I’ll show you how it’s done, he mouths as he reaches for the doorknob.
“See it’s not so bad,” Chanyeol’s voice rolls out.
“I guess,” Baekhyun sounds tense.
“But I need to go deeper.”
“You need?” Baekhyun’s voice raises and cracks. “You don’t need to do anything.”
“Come on, it’ll be good.”
Junmyeon eyes grow wide as he hears a creak and he glances fearfully at Kris.
I told you so, Kris mouths. Remind me who was all like, ‘I’ll show you how it’s done.’ Oh yeah, you.
I didn’t know it was like this, Junmyeon furiously shakes his head. Holy shit, you can take the reigns.
No I’m not doing it, Kris backs off, holding his hands defensively. You’re the CEO.
Yeah not in my job description, Junmyeon steps behind Kris.
Kris turns around and grabs Junmyeon’s shoulders, pushing him towards the door, It’s not in mine either.
“Faster, Chanyeol, faster,” Baekhyun hisses.
Kris and Junmyeon freeze again.
“I thought you said you wanted to go slow,” Chanyeol drawls teasingly.
“Shut up, just—go—faster.”
Seriously, stop them, Junmyeon gestures frantically. Holy crap, the carpet.
I can’t, I can’t do it, Kris wraps his hands around his head. Why did you hire horndogs.
You interviewed both of them, Junmyeon snaps. So it’s half your fault too.
“Uh, what are you guys doing,” Tao walks up behind Kris. They spin around and find Tao, papers in hand, glancing suspiciously at the two of them.
Keep it down, Kris puts a finger over his lips.
Tao squints, “You know, I can’t read lips.”
“Keep it down,” Junmyeon hushes.
“Oh,” Tao drops his voice. “Why?”
“Because of them,” Junmyeon jerks a finger towards the door. “We’re trying to figure out the least awkward way to stop them.”
“Huh?” Tao looks at the door. “Aren’t they just-”
“Exactly,” Kris covers Tao’s mouth. “And we need to stop them.”
“Why now?” Tao plucks Kris’ hand off his mouth. “I mean they’ve been doing it since Chanyeol started hitting on Baekhyun.”
“What?” Junmeyon and Kris stare at Tao incredulously.
“Yeah, it’s an open secret,” Tao rolls his eyes. “I’m surprised you guys didn’t know.”
Junmyeon and Kris stare at each other.
“Holy fuck,” Baekhyun’s breath hitches from beyond the door. “Pull out.”
“But it’s just getting good,” Chanyeol mumbles, voice muffled.
“No, pull out.”
“Fucking pull out.”
“See,” Tao puts a hand on the door.
“No wait-” Junmyeon reaches a hand.
“That seems like a really bad time to interrupt,” Kris cringes.
“What are you talking about,” Tao gives both of them a strange look, and twists the knob.
“Fucking Park Chanyeol, if you do not pull out-”
Tao pushes the door open, and Kris screws his eyes shut.
“-of the melee, you will get killed by that orc. Yep, you just got killed,” Baekhyun sighs. “Now we have to restart at that checkpoint.”
Kris cracks an eye open to see Baekhyun and Chanyeol, fully clothed, and huddled over Baekhyun’s monitor.
“Aww no, the really far one?” Chanyeol slouches in his chair.
“That’s why I told you to pull out,” Baekhyun smacks his forehead. “The minimum level requirement for the Just the Tip quest is 83, it’s going to be difficult when we just hit 83.”
“You were the one who said I should go faster.”
“You were walking,” Baekhyun shakes his head. “We have a mount, use it.”
“Yeah see,” Tao says, folding his arms. “They play World of Warcraft during their lunch breaks.”
“Oh,” Kris says, jaw going slack. “That’s it?”
“What did you think they were doing?” Tao raises an eyebrow.
“Uh,” Kris looks down at the tie on the door and Tao follows his eyes.
“Oh,” Tao looks at Kris. “Awkward.”
Baekhyun turns around, “Oh hey, you need something?”
“No, I’m good,” Junmyeon waves and darts back to his office.
“Why do you guys have a tie on the door?” Tao takes the tie and tosses it back to Chanyeol. “That’s what Kris was wondering.”
“There was a tie on the door?” Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol, eyes wide.
“Luhan told me that it was a universal sign for ‘Do not disturb,’” Chanyeol blinks innocently, looping the tie around his head. “I thought it was a good idea, since today was a questing day.”
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun lowers his head into his hand. “It’s a like universal sign for “Do not disturb, because the occupants are having sex.”
“Oh,” Chanyeol, slack-jawed, looks from Baekhyun to Kris to Tao, and closes his mouth. “Oh.”
“Awkwaaaard,” Tao hums.
Chanyeol’s ears glow red as he gets up and brushes by Kris, intentionally stepping on Kris’ toes.
“Ow,” Kris hops back.
“You deserve it,” Chanyeol glares and stalks down the hallway.
“Wait, what did I do,” Kris calls after Chanyeol. He turns back to Baekhyun’s office, “No seriously, what did I do?”
Baekhyun and Tao shrug.
Out of the corner of Kris’s eye, he sees a twenty dollar bill pass over the divider from Jongdae’s cubicle to Luhan’s.
“You,” Kris hisses.
Luhan lifts a victory sign in response.
Kris narrows his eyes, “You fucker.”
sorry this took so long, I actually ran out of funny last weekend. like i wrote stuff, looked at it, and went like, no, ew, that sounds gross. so here's the revamped bonus chapter. i actually wrote like 80% of it today. lol. on the fly writing is hard. ;_; (also there's an extra bonus tacked on. surprise!)
also some good news and some bad news.
I'll be leaving for school in a week (the 18th), so that's good news. for me. because i like having stuff to do.
but the bad news is I'll probably be taking a short hiatus as a result. I'll be a freshman at uni, so I really want to start on the right foot. The first week is actually orientation, so I may be able to squeeze in a chapter, but don't be suprised if there isn't one. also i need to set a schedule, so the updates might be shorter. might be. idk. but don't be surprised if you hear nothing from me for 2 weeks. more than that, i actually might be dead. so in the event of that, a premature sorry.
also this bonus chapter is loaded with sexual jokes. lol. uh...belated warning? the last one's a bit racy for the rating. but that's the closest you'll get to R from me, and i'm still marking this pg-13. maybe it should be pg-15, idk. for the first one, i didn't feel like the word penis was enough to warrent a R rating. but if it bothers someone, i guess i can change it.
Reference stuff [not rated], will be put on tumblr...eventually:
FORD- like chanyeol mentioned, it stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation (like hobbies), Dreams. I don't know if that's actually what they teach to people who go into sales, but I learned it from a sales guy. Basically, people like to talk about themselves, and these four things are things most people will have something to say about. I actually use it when I talk to random people, though depending on their age I'll skip the first two and go straight to recreation. It works.
Sexile/Tie on door- sexile is basically getting locked out of your room or a room because people are having sexytimes inside. it actually doesn't have to be sex, it was just easier to make baek say that in the story, it's just something you or someone else wouldn't
want someone else walking in on (usually with someone else, idk what it's called if you're just there having fun with yourself). It can be any sort of indication, I think it's usually clothing, like a sock or a scrunchie on the door. i just used a tie because i think ties are classy (what?) and usually it's agreed upon beforehand. anyway, if you want to pull a good prank on a particularly naive person, try telling them that a sock on the door is an invitation to go inside. then lols may be had. i tried this with a friend, but i am still waiting for the lols. also i'm going to drop this here that Chanyeol fell for it, because he went to a classy private school with single dorm rooms, where sexile didn't exist
World of Warcraft/Just the Tip/mounts - WoW (abbr) is a MMORPG. Uhh...it's a game basically. I think most people know this. Mounts are like...vehicles...that you use to move around faster. But Just the Tip is an actual quest where you "obtain the sultan's staff then use the Elaborate Disc to create the Shaft of Stars." I do not kid, that is actually what you do. Also "going in deeper," is like going deeper into a quest map. lol, because usually quests have some kind of end point. If you don't get the other innuendos, then...i'm not going there. I also will mention that i don't play WoW, so if what I wrote actually sounds like WoW, then...wow... otherwise, sorry about that.